Let's Just Say This Is The Greatest Day Of My Life

I make the front page of the Wise County Messenger and got rich. (But State Farm sent the money to my old address. I appreciate the fine employees at 303 West Main for not stealing it and delivering it me. The temptation had to be overwhelming.)

Edit: Let's be clear since we have had some comments. That is not a 1980s "porn mustache". That is an outdated 1980s goatee.