12.26.2015

Uh, Oh: Frankie Says West Texas Is In Trouble




For you guys who aren't familiar with him, he is autistic. But the amazing (or not so amazing) thing is that he is always right.
at 5:59 PM

12.25.2015

This May Become A Classic


She plans to mock Lebron as a "cry baby" and he looks at her as she begins. And she carries through with it anyway in the most reluctant mock of all time. Then scoots back on her chair and looks sheepishly down. And the LeBron does a double take and looks like he wants to kill her.

That's funny stuff.
at 11:17 PM

The Campaign





 All of the above were created by blog readers who are creative and funny


at 10:54 AM

Random Christmas Morning Thoughts


at 9:52 AM

12.24.2015

What 25 Years Can Do To You

Home Alone actors. Then and now.
O
I'll say it: Home Alone was a horrible movie and Macaulay Culkin is a horrible actor. Then and now. 

But I mean no disrespect. 

And I wish them all a Merry Christmas. 

And Merry Christmas to the crazy Liberally Lean readers. Both to those that love and hate it. 
at 4:23 PM

Random Thursday Morning Thoughts





  • It's Christmas Eve and you still get Random Thoughts. I remain The Hardest Working Man in Show Business. (And I continue with my double Random Thought Girls as a Christmas present.)
  • There's a house not far from ours which has synchronzed lights with music (not just one song, but about 10 on a loop -- including that Charlie Brown song). It is fantastic.
  • The Family Unit went to see it last night and we sat across the street on the curb with other people who were doing the same thing. It was great. And I'm sentimental enough to remind my self, "Remember moments like this" when they are happening. Edit: Shout out to the guy who sent in a comment that my neighborhood needed to, essentially, get the name of particular (unprintable) song. It was signed as "Double Fake Prince." I'm still laughing. 
  • And a shout out to Billie in the District Clerk's office for winning the "cookie contest". (When did that start?) She may be one of the sweetest people alive. I still remember when I announced I was leaving the DA's office that she stopped me in the hallway. She had read the Messenger article and said, "Barry, parts of that article made me cry."
  • Texas has gone to mandatory electronic filing of civil documents. And you have to use one of "selected" services to do it. In concept, it is a good idea. But I had to file a two page civil Original Answer the other day in a civil forfeiture suit. However, where before I use to have my assistant walk over to the courthouse less than 100 yards away and file it for free now costs over $5 in a mysterious "electronic filing fee." I'm still trying to figure out where the money is going. 
  • The other day I went on a rant about a civil forfeiture case in Wise County. Yesterday I saw a headline that I thought meant the federal government was going to suspend its forfeiture policy altogther. I was wrong. The actual story was "The Justice Department has suspended $1.2 billion in payments of asset forfeiture revenues to police departments across the country, citing budget constraints." They aren't suspending it at all. The federal government is just going to keep all the money. 
  • I proposed to someone the other day that if they helped me with something I would actually sell out and run an ad buried in the middle of Random Thoughts. Think "Your ad here". 
  • I've praised the book "Empire of the Summer Moon: Quanah Parker and the Rise and Fall of the Comanches, the Most Powerful Indian Tribe in American History" to no end. I praise it, in part,  because it is fantastic and references Parker County and Wise County because of the extent of the Comanche Empire back in the day. (And when I say "back in the day"  it wasn't that long ago when you think about it.) Any way, I looked down the other day and saw an issue of the Fort Worth Weekly and saw the headline of "The Way We Were - A once-lost silent film tied to Cynthia Ann Parker's legacy is a bittersweet gem." I'm in. 
  • I watched a DVD the other day in a DWI case where the officer was wearing a body cam. For the first time ever, in my 23 years doing criminal law in Wise County, I got to see a guy blow into the Intoxilyzer 5000 at the Wise County Jail  and what actually goes on. (There is no camera in there.) This is a game changer. Both ways.
  • We have a hood rat cat in the neighborhood. He slowly walked past me the other day with a baby bird in its mouth from one of my trees and just stared at me. 
  • I want to see Concussion, The Big Short, The Hateful Eight and maybe even Star Wars.
  • There actually are two old school concerts coming to Dallas next year that I would consider going to. The Cure and Todd Rundgren.
  • Mrs. LL  told me yesterday that Matthew McConaughey needed to be considered as one of the greatest actors of our generation. That's going too far but, when you think about it, he might be in the top ten. His performance as the DA in Bernie is fantastic. 
  • Ticket Fans: In the very early morning hours yesterday Norm Hitzges said he was in a "contract year" and took a shot at Cumulus. He just threw it in while he was talking about who would be on the Cowboys' team next year because all of the contracts that are ending and who would become free agents.  


at 8:39 AM

12.23.2015

Santa And His Gun Taking You Into Christmas Eve


at 4:09 PM

Legendary Lawyer/UT Football Supporter Has Died

He's off camera in this crazy clip when he conducted a deposition:



A Texas Monthly profile of him is a "great read" if you get bored over the holidays.

When I went to a UT/Baylor game last year I asked a security guard whose statute[*] was by Darrell Royal's. (The stadium wasn't open yet and I could only see the two statues from a distance through a gate.) He told me is was Joe Jamail and began to explain who he was. I interrupted him because he didn't need to waste his time explaining to me who he was.

The fact that his statue is right by Royal's is something I do not understand.
___________
*Edit: I made that spelling error in this original post, and I won't correct it for comedy's sake. There's something poetic about the error considering the substance of this post. 
at 11:07 AM

I'm Insane Now




I thought that this had to be from The Onion but it is real. (By the way, the Montgomery County DA is a goofball and loves social media. He might be doing a bit for publicity.)

Crimestoppers spent $17,000 for the dog.
at 10:24 AM

Dez Bryant vs. Oklahoma State Horse: Who Ya Got?



That was one insane laugh by the way.

And we have a rematch . . .

at 9:47 AM

Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts




  • I don't know what to think about this Ted Cruz/Washington Post controversy. Cruz uses his children in a political commercial (using kids like that makes my stomach turn) and then the political cartoonist for the Post draws a cartoon of Cruz depicting his children like monkeys. (It was an organ grinder reference which I'm not sure most people would understand). But there was a backlash, and the Post took the cartoon down. Look, children should be off limits, but it's a little scary when the the press becomes that politically correct. They generally try to "comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."
  • The dad who posted of series of photos of his baby and turned him into a real life Elf on The Shelf came up with one funny bit. (I perked up last night when I heard on the news that he was from Paradise but it turned out to Paradise, Utah.)
  • Mrs. LL last night: "We are doing a simple gift exchange party with my side of the family. Go buy something worth about $40." Me: "Why don't you do it for me?" Her: "Because if I end up with that gift I'll know what it is." Me: [Slumped Shoulders]
  • She followed it up with: "Make it an adult gift. But I don't mean one those kind of 'adult gifts'."
  • I watched a part of Poltergeist last night and had forgotten how great it is. One scene made me think of my household: After the wife realizes there is craziness going on, she demonstrates to her husband how she can put a chair in one part of the kitchen and it would slide across the room. Then she puts one of her kids in the same place and the kid slides across the room. Both the kid and wife are giggling. The husband is slumped against the wall in horror. Welcome to my world. 
  • I had a funny moment in court the other day when I saw a lawyer friend of mine walk in and tell his client the case had been dismissed. He said it in a slightly (and, unintentionally, loud voice) so I was able to hear it along with some of the other people in the courtroom. I talked to afterwards and he joked that he should hire three or four people just to be in the courtroom so he could walk in and loudly tell them, "Your case has been dismissed". That would be a genius move for the Wise County Hammer.
  • And he even tricked it up after that. When the judge called his client's name, since he didn't know the case was dismissed, my buddy -- instead of walking up to the bench -- said in a loud voice while standing up from where we were sitting, "That case has been dismissed your Honor!" The whole gallery of defendants looked at him longingly. Then he turned and smiled at me and walked out. I did my best not to bust out laughing.  
  • I got in a Twitter fight with Lt. Governor Dan Patrick's son last night. He's a district judge in Houston and had tweeted out a pic of his staff at a bowling alley (?) and mentioned how hard they worked. But the pic was yesterday during the day. I understand Christmas parties even for government employees but I thought I would have fun with him and asked him via Twitter, "Are you working now?" He actually responded with, "[W]e had the biggest docket in the building today and I'm the only judge in the building tomorrow covering for everyone else." First, lighten up. Secondly, he is the only judge in the Harris County courthouse right now? He is either lying or there are a ton of lazy judges in Harris County. 
  • How Idiocracy has the world become when I can get into a "Twitter fight" with a Houston district judge?



at 8:41 AM

12.22.2015

Drone vs. One of World's Greatest Skiers: Who Ya Got?



Story.
at 4:50 PM

I'm Now Skeptical Of Anything With "Elevate" In Its Title (Updated: I'm on a Rant!)

First, we have a Fort Worth company which charges the functional equivalent of 180% interest on loans to poor people (did I read that right?) and is still losing money:

And we have this guy in Frisco with the Elevate Life Church. That's his bit: Elevate your life:


You have to watch him on some Sunday morning. He's a horrible preacher. And he almost always mentions giving "money". And I'm stunned they do camera "far away" shots because the number of empty seats is amazing.

But, wait, there's more!

"Oops"

Good Grief! I Apologize For Calling Him Out!
(That's a photo from his younger days when he was doing a different bit.)

Wait. Joel Osteen Supports Him!
Did Craft Pay Him For This? The Commercial Is On Every Sunday 
When Osteen's Show Ends But Before Craft's Begins

And speaking of Osteen, I found the photo below. The Internet can trick you but this site  reported in 2010 that "Several months ago, the couple and their children moved to a 17,000-square-foot stone mansion in the Tall Timbers subdivision in River Oaks. The Osteens' new home is situated on 1.86 acres and surrounded by an ornamental fence. The 411: It has six bedrooms, six bathrooms, three elevators and five wood-burning fireplaces, with a one-bedroom guest house and pool house. The Harris County Appraisal District valued it at $10.5 million."  Some sites list the tax appraisal at $9.6 million.
According to the tax records, this is an aerial view (along with some of his neighbors.) He and Victoria are on the right.


Edit: I can't believe one of the comments who told me I'm wrong to call out Osteen because he receives no salary from the church. You kidding me? Yes, you're right. He doesn't. But the TV broadcast of his sermons advertises his books at the bottom of the screen as well as his "speaking tours". He uses the pulpit as an infomercial. That makes it even worse. Talk about money changers!

They are televangalists. The only thing different from 20 years ago (remember Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggart, Robert Tilton or -- my personal favorite -- Ernest Angley, etc.?) is that the televangelists are slicker now.  And people like you are getting scammed. They aren't preaching the Gospel. They are preaching self-help and therapy.

Edit: And the scary part is that large "establishment churches" are getting blurred in with televangelists because of nutty pastors. I can't believe this goofy guy below, the pastor of the First Baptist Church of Dallas, has time to take off time from appearances on Fox News to do the following. He takes a different approach from therapy and self help, he tries to be a Baptist Sean Hannity and focus on politics. And I'll bet money he will be promoting a book. Edit: I'm wrong. He is promoting a book and a 15 CD set:

Edit: I finally clicked on his link. Oh, my!!:

You click on that link and you see the following. And he also has something called "The $425,000 Gospel Truth Matching Challenge." He's trying to do what Osteen does. Why the the Board of Deacons has not fired that man is amazing:



Ladies and gentlemen, Idiocracy is approaching us at light speed.

Edit: In the original version I referred to Reverend Osteen at some points as "Olsteen". That was a stupid error on my part and has been corrected.
at 10:17 AM

Channel 8 Is Turning It Up A Notch With Their News


at 8:47 AM

Random Tuesday Morning Thoughts





  • I don't think my ears have ever perked up as much as they did this morning when I heard The Ticket's Norm Hitzges reference "Alvoid" (meaning Wise County's Alvord) as he recalled when he traveled there as a young reporter decades ago. (For those that don't understand it, anyone who is over 45 and grew up in Wise County remembers when the name of the town was pronounced "Alvoid" by everyone. I still don't understand why.)
  • But it got better! He went to Alvord as a reporter because a nudist community had opened up nearby. He went and interviewed folks in town and went and interviewed the nudists as well. He said, "You know, there wasn't really a bit difference between the two. They were both nice and had the same political views. I was really surprised."
  • He said (and I would pay money to see an old video of this) that he ended the news segment by taking off his clothes and standing behind a telephone poll outside the nudist colony with a fence behind him. He then said, "The people on this side of the fence and that side of the fence are pretty much the same." 
  • Changing gears. I'm not sure that the Steve Harvey Miss Universe screw up wasn't a bit. It would be easy to do. Get the results and huddle with the final two girls. Tell them what you are going to do and everyone gets publicity by the "scandal". And if you watch it, it almost looks like some bad acting is going on. 
  • I think the most amazing thing about the "Affluenza Teen" is not that he is on the run but how much his looks have changed in two years. "They grow up so fast."
  • The Flooring Remolding Project got close to getting wrapped up yesterday. The contractor sent two guys who just happened to be Hispanic and not speak English put in carpet. I wasn't there but they fired up loud Tejano music which made Mrs. LL and the Girls in the House move to a different room. I love it.
  • When I walked in the house from work in my suit they looked up startled. I almost wanted to tell them, "I'm not Donald Trump! I'm not Donald Trump!" 
  • They did a fantastic job. I'm fascinated by carpet installers. 
  • And, no, I'm not saying they were "illegal aliens". I have no idea. I do know they were nice guys and cared about the way they did their job. 
  • Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton has issued his "opinion" that guns should be allowed in college dorms in defiance of the policy of the University of Texas. I can't get past a guy who is under indictment, has been on the job for a short period of time,  and doesn't seem very smart issuing a "legal opinion." 
  • The DA in Sandra Bland's case (Waller County) said there will be no indictments against jail employees.  Oddly, the DA in that small county said the Grand Jury reached "no decision" regarding the actions of the trooper, and that the grand jury would return in January to consider the issue. (I hope he's smart enough to know that the Grand Jury's term ends at the end of the year and that there needs to be an entry "on the minutes of the court" - no one knows what that means these days -  by the district judge granting them permission to reconvene.)
  • Fox 4 "Hey, Nows"




at 8:37 AM

12.21.2015

The Family Rescue Cat


This is the photo that Mrs. LL took of it as it came out of the water.

And, I promise I'm not making it up because the picture does not do him  justice, he WEIGHS 21.5 POUNDS.

Here he is in a crate which is made for monster sized dogs:


at 1:08 PM

Jeb Bush Has Just About Had It With Donald Trump



And Lindsey Graham gave up against Trump today and quit. Chaos, I tell you. We have chaos!


at 12:46 PM

And You Think I'm The Only One Who Does Random Thought Girls?


at 9:38 AM

I May Lose My Mind Before Christmas

I just reviewed a police report. It is cocaine case where the alleged weight of .6 grams of cocaine (which includes the weight of the baggie. The DPS chemist will weigh it without the baggie so we are talking about a minuscule amount.) A Sweet-n-Low packet weighs one gram for comparison. The guy is so poor that he has a truck worth $400.  And the deputy wanted to seize it and give it to the government.

And the lawyers up at the courthouse accepted the case and have filed a lawsuit to take the vehicle.




at 9:20 AM

Random Monday Morning Thoughts



  • It's the holiday season so I'm giving presents this week. Not one but two Random Thought Girls.
  • In an incredible screw up, host Steve Harvey announced the winner of Ms. Universe and got it wrong and had to fix it within minutes. Ms.Columbia thought she had won and then they took the crown away from her. Uh, if you get it wrong, I wouldn't get it wrong with someone from Columbia
  • Every time I think my life can't get any weirder it does. Yesterday, Mrs. LL and The Family Kids walked in and told me to shut my eyes. When I got to open them, they had the fattest cat in the world in their possession. I'm serious. This thing is the equivalent to a 400 pound man. It is huge! So, of course, I asked where it came from. Mrs. LL told me, "It was swimming in a lake so I called the police. We were able to get it so I brought it home. " I am not making that up.
  • I am not a fan of the NFL but for some reason I turned on Carolina vs. New York yesterday and have never been more entertained. It was insanity. Odell Beckham Jr and Josh Norman basically were in a UFC fight and the game was dramatic.
  • Mrs. LL has a sentimental attachment to the Sound of Music so we ended up watching it last night. It is, indeed, great. But there was an awkward moment when the beautiful blonde fiance of Captain Von Trapp said, "Fond as I am of you, I really don't think you're the right man for me. You're much too independent. And I need someone who needs me desperately. . ." Recall, I filed as an Independent last week. 
  • Little Miss Sunshine sucks me in every time. Every character represents some section of society. And basically it is a family of rebels.
  • Star Wars made $238 million dollars this weekend. And we are just talking about the U.S. Second place was a Chipmunks movie which made $14 million
  • If I make a phone call, I shouldn't, but still am, amazed at how the recipient's reaction is, "This must be important." I don't make phone calls. (And I had one on Saturday night.)
  • I watched Joel Olsteen on Sunday and he actually told a funny joke: "God came down to a man and told him he would grant him one wish. The man told God that he had never been to Hawaii but he was afraid to fly on an airplane so he wanted God to build a bridge to Hawaii. God told him that was logistically impossible so he needed to come up with another wish. The guy then said he had been married four times and is of the belief that he didn't understand women. So he asked God for him to to be given the knowledge of what it takes to understand their needs and what they were thinking. God paused for a  long time and said, "Do you want that highway to Hawaii a be two lanes or four lanes?"
  • We have a major entry for "And Another."
  • Mrs. LL collects monkey dolls. Actually, she is a little insane about it. Part or our remodeling required us to move them all. I lined them all up and did this yesterday. (I initially forgot to attach the photo to the tweet so that is the reason for the "oops".)




at 8:35 AM
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