Above The Fold

Decatur ISD Policy Regarding Cell Phones

If a phone is confiscated you have to pay $15 to get it back? Are you kidding me? Why not kick it up to $150? Heck, let's go with $1,500.

I have it on good authority that a hypothetical courthouse employee got hypothetically pissed off with this policy and paid the $15 with a hypothetical 1,500 in pennies. She hypothetically is my new hero. #YouGoGirl #FightTheMan

Edit: Proof, hypothetically of course, as she began her campaign to collect the necessary pennies . . .

 Edit: I want to know the name of the person who wrote that policy. Someone tell me who it is. 

Get Me This Acrobatic Dog!

pic.twitter.com/2mTeNmJr37

— Jayson Werth's Beard (@JWerthsBeard) January 23, 2016

And get me these city deer:

Deer frolicking in the street in Cleveland Park. @capitalweather #Snowzilla pic.twitter.com/UaQ5ZLCj4h

— Laurie Trayers (@ltrayers) January 23, 2016

A Faithful Reader Sends Me Breaking News: Plane Down

Just happened at 380 and 156.

Drunk Hot Female Doctor vs. Uber Driver: Who Ya Got?

Language warning

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Random Friday Morning Thoughts

• I learned yesterday, via email, that one of the deaths noted in the Update was a classmate of mine (actually one year behind me. I didn't recognize her name because they used her married name.) As I wrote in my email reply, it made me sick and made me sad.
• "The FBI took over a child porn site with 23,000 illicit images, left them online for two weeks to track the users." So the FBI is trafficking in child porn? Do they have any idea the number of times those images were copied and distributed and are now out there forever?
• I look forward to the snow photos today from the Northeast.
• I had one of those "I can't find my keys" mornings. That drives me nuts because you know they are there somewhere. I had to use the backup set. 
• Stay with me here. A guy was sentenced to less than two years in federal prison for "scheming" to steal oil from Eagle Ford Shale in Texas. This is a sentence from the press release of the U.S. Attorney's office bragging about the investigation. My comments are in brackets: "The case was investigated by Federal Bureau of Investigation [How many agents and at what cost?], the Internal Revenue Service Criminal Investigation [The IRS? How many agents and at what cost?"], the Texas Attorney General’s Special Investigations Unit [The AG's office has a "special" investigation unit. Once again, how many investigators and at what cost?], the Bexar County District Attorney’s Office [good lord], the Texas Department of Public Safety [How much did DPS spend on this and don't we have enough people involved already?], the Texas Rangers [OK, now this is overkill], the Dimmit County Sheriff’s Office [You kidding me?] and the Texas Railroad Commission [I'm insane now]. Prosecutors are assistant U.S. attorneys Bryan Nathan Reeve and Timothy Adam Duree [Let's end the press release with the names of prosecutors in your office --  who must demand by going by all three names]".  What do I always say? Too many cops. Too many prosecutors. And I'm dead right.
• The Liberally Lean blessing/curse continues. A few years back I named struggling Chris Davis and former Texas Ranger the official Liberally Lean Major League Baseball player. Yesterday: "BALTIMORE -- The Orioles announced the signing of Chris Davis to a club-record seven-year, $161 million contract on Thursday." All guaranteed.

This Kid Is A Born Showman

Above The Fold

Random Thursday Morning Thoughts

• The Northeast is about to be hit with a massive snowstorm, and I would love to be there. 
• There is a $120 million expansion planned for the Gaylord Texan. Wow. That thing isn't big enough? It will soon have 1,511 rooms. Amazingly, there is one hotel bigger in Texas: The Sheraton in Dallas has 1,840 rooms in downtown according to that link. (Is that by the Reunion Tower? I had no idea it was that large.)
• I'm not surprised by the stock market "correction" -- we all knew it was coming. It might bottom out in the 14,000s and then it would be time to go in -- that is, if any of us had any money to go in.  And the dumbest thing you can do is sell right now. Just ride it out. 
• My hair has become incredibly soft over the last few months, and I haven't changed shampoo. Is that a medical sign of something? (Please forego the "gay or not gay" comments.)
• My car fired up the two times I turned the key yesterday and again this morning without a hitch. However, if I were smart I'd schedule an appointment to get the starter changed. Let's see if I'm smart. (I'm not sure I'd bet on myself.)
• Devon announced layoffs yesterday at some town hall meeting? And oil dipped below $27 a barrel? What a disaster for Texas. This is worse than the early '80s. And it may just beginning. 
• BagOfNothing wrote today that he had never heard of the Bloom County comic strip I posted yesterday.  I bet most people haven't heard of it either. In the 1980s, I couldn't wait for it to come out in the paper. It was the smartest comic strip I had ever seen. And still is. 
• I was listening to The Ticket yesterday evening and they were talking about the Cowboys' Jackie Smith dropping a pass in the end zone against the Steelers in the Super Bowl back in the '70s. (33 second Youtube video here.) For guys my age, you'll never forget it. The anguish on Staubach's face (he knew it was drop but also knew it was a bad pass), and Smith literally flinging his body in frustration while on the ground is one of my all-time painful Cowboy memories. But yesterday things really got ramped up when teammate Charlie Waters randomly called in during that Ticket segment to talk about it and you could still hear the pain in his voice. I don't care if I do have Old Man Syndrome: Things in the NFL were much different back then. The players cared more than the fans.
• Get off my lawn!!!!!
• A new planet may have been discovered. I shall not recognize it until they apologize for the way they have disrespected Pluto. 
• Whatever happened to Focus on the Family? I can't even remember the guy's name who ran it.
• That Decatur/Bridgeport basketball game was apparently over the top. I'll be honest: I'm out of the loop on what's going on, and I probably shouldn't let comments go through about that game. 
• I have never sent a solicitation letter to any one who was arrested in Wise County. And my standard line is that if I ever do, I'll hang my head in shame, and then walk out the back door never to be seen again. 
• My morning was going pretty well until I heard a Jimmy Buffet commercial for his upcoming billionth appearance in the metroplex. Nothing, and I mean nothing, sucks the life force out of me more than Margaritaville.

It's National Penguin Day

I thought about posting something from the documentary March of the Penguins (which I love) but then I remembered Opus from Bloom County. He's the greatest penguin ever.

Twitter Comedy Regarding The Messenger Website Not Working

@WCM_RGreene is a hard working and underpaid (heck, I'm underpaid)  Messenger employee who has to watch high school volleyball and city council meetings. Jrod is just a wise guy. 

Dairy Queen Alert! Dairy Queen Alert!

PIC - Greenville FD Engine 4 has crashed into a Dairy Queen restaurant in Farmersville according to @cc_scanner. pic.twitter.com/jPd7e9F5nE

— DFW Scanner (@DFWscanner) January 20, 2016

The Best Of Sarah Palin Endorsing Trump

Someone Else Tried Their Hands At Photoshop

 I like this simply because it has "Travolta" in it.

Me as Erin Brockovich is a work of art!

 Gay or not gay?

 Alright, Alright, Alright.

With apologizes to the Wise County Hammer.

Random Wednesday Morning Thoughts

• Our Texas Attorney General, who is under indictment, issued a non-binding opinion yesterday that daily fantasy football sites are conducting illegal gambling under Texas law. Hot sports opinion: (1) Does anyone trust his judgment?, (2) The only people who care about this issue are those who engage in it so he just alienated them, (3) How is any form of gambling illegal? It is your money. You can go in the backyard and burn it but you can't bet that Cam Newton won't have a great game? (4) What is the point of a "non-binding" opinion anyway? I just issued four non-binding opinions. 
• The Coast Guard has called off the search for the 12 marines missing after two helicopters crashed into each other in Hawaii. How horrific will it be if some vacationer comes across a body washed up on the beach? 
• The Palin endorsement of Trump yesterday was one for the ages. I'll post sound bites later because she went full throttle (but your ears might bleed.)
• In honor of Glenn Fry, I will reissue this bullet point from 2013: "One thing from the Eagles documentary that stuck with me was Joe Walsh, when discussing the line, 'There's a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford' [slowing down to take a look at me], said it was great one because it was able to cram in girls, cars, and redemption.  Edit: I knew someone would point out that Walsh had nothing to do with the song. No question. But he was the one on the documentary talking about the lyrics."
• "Gov. Greg Abbott flew to Israel Saturday on a plane belonging to Sheldon Adelson, the billionaire casino owner and megadonor active in Republican national politics." Well, at least he didn't waste our tax dollars.
• I had the dreaded moment of turning the key and the car not starting yesterday. Then it started fifteen minutes later. Then it wouldn't start four hours later. And then it started this morning. Great. I now own Christine.
• Mrs. LL with the mini-drone she bought for me for Christmas is getting a little scary. 
• I've always been fascinated with Pablo Escobar, the documentary Cocaine Cowboys, the film Blow, and even the fictional Medellín movie in the fictional HBO series Entourage. (I've got Narcos, about Escobar, on Netflix on my watching bucket list.) But I had no idea Escobar owned a mansion in Miami Beach. It is is currently being torn down so a nicer house can be built on the property.

My Expert Photoshop Political Consultant (He Refuses Payment) Is At It Again

He went all Perry Mason on me.

Original:

You Betcha!

Sarah Palin has officially endorsed Donald Trump: https://t.co/ZPI74AnS60 pic.twitter.com/m0gAeXR8Eq

— The Daily Beast (@thedailybeast) January 19, 2016

The Legal Profession Has Changed Quite A Bit During My Lifetime

This DC Circuit brief begins with, "Muhahahahahaha!!!" Yes, you have my attention. https://t.co/EI0hqSSRkV pic.twitter.com/aS4Uav3txy

— Zoe Tillman (@ZoeTillman) January 19, 2016

I'm No Basketball Fan . . .

This is a novel RT @Lahlahlindsey: Oh my god LeBron’s face https://t.co/Jq4raIPIxD

— Bruce Arthur (@bruce_arthur) January 19, 2016

. . . but this is funny. One of the greatest players ever stealing the ball from who may be the greatest players ever. That reaction on Lebron's face is classic.

More Political Ads From A Faithful Reader

Who wouldn't vote for the equivalent of James Bond with an automatic weapon defending the flag in an episode of Game of Thrones?

(Dear reader who submitted this: My head is still spinning even after I stopped laughing.)

Edit: And the guy one upped his game by submitting another one and named it "To Kill A Mockingbarry"

Edit: And he went further with "My Cousin Barry". Look at those two youuutts behind me.

Random Tuesday Morning Thoughts

• Good lord: The Eagles' Glenn Frey is dead at 67. Time is, indeed, not our friend. ("Take It Easy", "Peaceful Easy Feeling", "Tequila Sunrise", "Already Gone", "Lyin' Eyes") 
• Didn't I make reference to Hotel California the other day? I'm beginning to believe in the Liberally Lean curse.
• The defendant in Making Of A Murderer looks like a fat and dumb Ray Liotta
• Mrs. LL and I watched Knocked Up again over the weekend. As raunchy as that comedy is, I almost tear up every time when the credits roll to a song named That's My Daughter In The Water.
• Competition over the weekend in the House: Name the 10 Commandments. It is harder than you think. But the Senior in the House had a friend over who could name them all. In order.
• If I say I would gladly pay $3 to $4 for a gallon of gas if my friends could keep their job in the oilfield, does that make me a socialist?
• Donald Trump made an appearance at Jerry Falwell's Liberty University and got mocked for saying "Two Corinthians" instead of "Second Corinthians".  The far right wing is not particularly forgiving. 
• Get me these dogs running from the police.
• The singer of American Pie, Don McLean was arrested. My radio boys couldn't name another song he was famous for. I can. Maybe even better: Vincent. I love those lyrics. 
• TCU play by play man and WBAP employee  Brian Estridge retweeted an article that claims Bill Clinton had affairs with "thousands" of women. The journalistic irresponsibility is beyond comprehension.  
• An Oregon college football player died of complications from tonsil surgery. That's horrible, but it caused me to have an unrelated thought: How many times these days do kids have their tonsils "taken out"?
• Sports: (1) That Chiefs/Packer game [Edit: Ok, that was a major screw up] was beyond belief. I actually only watched the last 30 minutes but my "OH, MYs!" had Mrs. LL watching it from the top of the stairs, (2) Baylor's women's basketball team throttled UT's unbeaten team in Austin yesterday, and there is a weird tension dating back from last year between the two coaches, (3) I took a nap in the late afternoon which amazingly lasted until after midnight. So I'm up in the middle of the night and end up watching the final moments of Rafael Nadal losing in the first round of the Australian Open. It felt like I was the only one in America who knew it. 
• A pipe bomb blew up a brick mailbox in Parker County? Photo. That was one heck of a bomb. 

I Asked And I Received. My Readers Love Bits.

"Not The Politician You Were Expecting"

That's my face!

It was photoshopped from this picture of megachurch preacher Keith Craft:

Dear Reader: Pure genius.

Edit: And Another

That's from the Scopes Monkey trial:

Random Monday Morning Thoughts

• It's MLK Day. All government offices are closed. But do we have Random Thoughts? Yes! Once again proving I'm the hardest working man in show business.
• I want to know more about this story. After a "high speed" chase, the police shoot the passenger and a dog in a car. The dog?
• Iran released three American hostages over the weekend who almost all of us didn't know were hostages. 
• Ted Cruz comes across like the Simpson's Mr. Burns when he smiles.
• A debate last night in our house: "When does evening start?" I said 6 p.m. but I might be wrong.
• Mrs. LL came across The To Do List film over the weekend. It was beyond shocking.
• There is a crazy Kennedy assassination memorabilia auction, and I might lose my mind and pull the trigger on one of them. Whatever I get, it won't lose value. I can always resell it. Right?. Uh, right?
• Johnny Football was spotted in a liquor store by TCU. I bet that assistant manager who talked about it gets fired. 
• As much as Embarq/Century Link gets a beating in Wise County, I'll give them a shout out. Something went wrong with my dad's account and they almost bent over backwards to fix it. And that was on Saturday. 
• Bernie Sanders sounds exactly like Larry David. 
• The SUV falling off an overpass in Dallas was horrible. Photo. 
• I'm through episode six of Making Of A Murderer. I screamed at the TV which caused Mrs. LL to post this on Twitter. At this point, my opinion is that the guy might be or even probably be guilty, but I would struggle with that issue.  Do I have a reasonable doubt? Absolutely. But the great part is that you get to see law enforcement officers who didn't realize their papers would be graded in front of a jury and the public. You can see the sweat on their foreheads because they know they didn't do their jobs. 
• My house is now occupied by three females, two female dogs, one male dog (I rarely mention the best pet in the house), one Siamese cat (I hate her), and one 22 pound male cat. I want to officially announce that I have lost complete Scene Control. 
• Someone please photoshop my head on this for my political campaign. (It's actually a picture of the ridiculous megachurch preacher Keith Craft but I could use it as a funny bit.) It's a holiday. You have time. And do it in honor of MLK. I have a dream.